By Dr. Steven Riser

It seems that lately my life has been getting more complicated and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I’ve become. The following is a recap of my current identity crisis:

  • I was born a white male, which makes me a racist.
  • I’m a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.
  • I’m heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.
  • I’m non-union: a traitor to the working class & an ally of big business.
  • I’m a Christian, which makes me a politically incorrect infidel.
  • I’m older than 65 and retired, which makes me a useless old man.
  • I think & reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a far right reactionary.
  • I’m proud of our heritage & inclusive culture, which makes me a xenophobe.
  • I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system (the rule of law) which makes me a far right-wing extremist.
  • I believe in hard work, fair play and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which makes me an anti-socialist, capitalist pig.
  • I acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever.
  • I believe in the right of self-defense (CCP) and the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a gun toting militarist.

Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore!

My newest problem is: I’m not sure which bathroom I should use.

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